Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap presents a groundbreaking developmental road map to guide readers away from their co-dependent behaviors and toward a life of wholeness and fulfillment.UK Citizens

This is the book that offers a different perspective on codependency and is strongly recommended by Dream Warrior Recovery as part of a solution based recovery. This bestselling book, now in a revised edition, radically challenges the prevailing medical definition of co-dependency as a permanent, progressive, and incurable addiction. Rather, the authors identify it as the result of developmental traumas that interfered with the infant-parent bonding relationship during the first year of life.US Citizens

Drawing on decades of clinical experience, Barry and Janae Weinhold correlate the developmental causes of co-dependency with relationship problems later in life, such as establishing and maintaining boundaries, clinging and dependent behaviors, people pleasing, and difficulty achieving success in the world. Then they focus on healing co-dependency, providing compelling case histories and practical activities to help readers heal early trauma and transform themselves and their primary relationships.

Maybe. But it's really hard to see how even our parents and grandparents didn't get nightmares from ...

#13. Three-Legged Dingo Boots

vintageadbrowser.com

The Message:

Here are some boots that you should buy, because famous people wear them. Three of them.

The Horror:

Wait, what?

Yes, amazingly, the fact that this ad stars a pre-murder O.J. Simpson is the second-creepiest thing about it. And you can squint and try to read the text all you want -- it makes no reference whatsoever to the fact that their spokesperson has three legs. There's no cute slogan like "Boots so comfortable, you'll wish you had another foot!" Nope. It's like some guy in the art department just said, "Eh, I don't like how you can't really see the chair, let's just add another leg to fill that space."

We know what you're thinking: "Cracked, this is obviously a subtle 'big dick' joke. 'Third leg?' Get it?" But, no, it turns out this was a whole campaign they did with various celebrities, some of whom are women:

eBay
Like, uh ... this famous lady right here.

But O.J. seems to be the most frequent star of the "Third Leg" campaign, which apparently lasted for years. Note how his afro shrinks as he gets more comfortable with his new appendage:

The picture in that third ad would have been perfect for the cover of his book.

Please don't blame us for the inevitable nightmare in which O.J. is running after you, in the dark, those three boots pounding down the pavement after you with a noise like a wounded horse.

#12. Lord West Suits Will Impress Your 7-Year-Old Date

vintageadbrowser.com
"I like my women like I like my code names: 007."

The Message:

Women of all ages dig men in tuxedos!

The Horror:

According to the text, this dinner suit is for "sophisticated traditionalists," a euphemism we weren't previously aware of for "child molesters." Because there's no other way to interpret this picture. That's not tenderness on their faces. That's hunger. If you told us that they're a father and daughter, that would only make it creepier.

And it turns out that this is only the worst example in a whole series of ads associating little girls with selling tuxedos.

eBay
The style is best described as Godfather meets Lolita.

Can you imagine the pitch meeting that led to this campaign? Picture Don Draper from Mad Men standing before his clients, selling them on this idea:

"Class. Elegance. Making out with little girls. These are the values your company represents."

"Did ... did you say 'making out with little girls,' Don?"

"Yes," replied Don with perfect confidence.

"OK, just making sure."

Sitting at the end of the table, Peggy looks at Don and smiles. He did it again.

#11. Man in Tuxedo Carefully Considers Naked Child

library.duke.edu
"Told you it was bigger. Now pay up."

The Message:

Regular soap sinks in the bathtub, causing children to take longer in washing themselves and their fathers to get angry and spank them. Prevent child abuse by buying Ivory Soap -- it floats.

The Horror:

OK, they're clearly just fucking with us at this point. Remove the text and the message becomes clear: "In the old days, child predators used to dress way better than they do now." But let's put the pedophilia overtones aside for the moment and examine the text.

Was the elaborate scenario described under the picture (involving childhoods ruined by non-floating soap) really such a common problem in the '20s, or was this based on the painful personal experiences of whoever commissioned this ad? We're betting on the latter option. Note that the father's body language doesn't say "I'm going to spank you" -- he's clearly pondering which part of the kid's body to break first.

"Maybe the 28th trimester isn't too late for an abortion."

#10. "Are You Sure I'll Still Be a Virgin?"

thesocietypages.org
"If you didn't think band camp counted, I don't see why you'd think this would."

The Message:

Don't worry, teens, you can use Tampax tampons without losing your virginity.

The Horror:

Be honest: How many of you looked at this picture and immediately recognized it as a Tampax ad? And how many looked at it and thought it depicted a teenage girl being sexually propositioned? It's not just us, is it?

This ad would have looked 90 percent less sordid if both people involved were clearly visible. Instead, the second teenager is for some reason sitting on the floor of the porch with her back to us, so we can't see how young, or scared, she is. But, of course, all of that is purely from our own depraved imagination. The real ad is simply about two teenagers debating whether or not inserting a tampon counts as sex.

#9. Escaped Convicts Love Revell Authentic Model Kits

vintageadbrowser.com
"Is this the new plan, boss?"
"I've spent all day plotting against Superman; this is 'Lex Time'."

The Message:

Hey kids! Check out these sweet model kits!

The Horror:

There's only one possible scenario in which this picture could have come to exist: The photographers were getting ready to shoot this ad when they realized that the boy who was supposed to be holding up the models in the picture never showed up for work. Panicking, the man from the ad agency looked around the studio.

"Dmitri, can you come here for a second?" he said to the guy who fixes the lighting. "Stand here and hold this model. Yes, that's great. You'll play the boy in this ad."

"But sir," said the photographer, "Dmitri was just released from jail. In fact, he's still wearing the prison jumpsuit."

"No, no, he's perfect. Look at him. Look at that childlike innocence in his face."

"Could you open the top button maybe, show a little chest hair?"

"Perfect."

#8. Our Competitors = Surgical Ass Torture

vintageadbrowser.com
"Don't worry, sir, the gloves are just to establish atmosphere."

The Message:

Using cheap toilet paper can lead to medical complications.

The Horror:

... which in turn can lead to rubber-gloved hands inserting clamps in your anus. Better play it safe and go with Scott Tissues.

This attempt to traumatize customers into buying their product with threats of anal torture was part of a whole marketing campaign created during the Great Depression in which Scott Tissues' slogan went from "Wipe your butt with us" to "Wipe your butt with us, or die in a world of asshole pain."

Of course, it was all bullshit: There's no such thing as "toilet tissue illness," it was just a thing they made up to convince people to keep buying tissues at a time when they were lucky enough if they had a toilet.

#7. "Before You Scold Me, Mom ... Maybe You'd Better Light Up a Marlboro"

deceptology.com

The Message:

Before you beat your baby for stealing your favorite hat, have a cigarette and relax yourself. Then beat the baby.

The Horror:

How many times did this months-old child have to be punched before it learned to pick up the Marlboros and offer them to mommy to calm her down? If that's not the saddest thing you've imagined all week, you're dead inside. This is actually one in a series of ads from the '50s, back when Marlboro was targeting mommies instead of rugged cowboys. Sometimes the babies actually seem to be guilting their moms into smoking more.

tobacco.stanford.edu
"You turned me into an addict when I was a fetus, now deal with it."

Oddly enough, the version of this ad aimed at fathers doesn't involve scolding, but a pompous baby in a basket defending daddy's rather feminine cigarette tastes (note the reference to "beauty tips" at the bottom).

tobacco.stanford.edu
This is the kind of debate babies have all the time.

The 48-year-old has taken charge of preparations for the wedding that is expected to take place end of September. He has flown in a team of builders to renovate the home he shares with Jolie in southern France.

"Angelina isn`t so bothered about when they tie the knot, it`s Brad who is piling on the pressure," a website has quoted a source as saying.

"He wants the main house to be finished when the event takes place, even though the close friends and relatives who are invited aren`t the types to care. He wants everything to be absolutely perfect," the source added.

yellow jacket is a case that transforms the iPhone 4 & 4S into that 650,000-volt stun gun you've always needed.

scheduled to hit the US market in fall 2012 the case is advertised as being able to 
easily stop an aggressive male attacker, and ready for use in less than two seconds. 
its designer seth froom, a former military policeman came up with the product after 
being robbed in his home at gunpoint.

what is the demand for such a hostile product you might ask? well, yellow jacket 
has managed to receive over 100,000 USD worth of backing on the crowd-funding 
website indiegogo which means that there must be quite a few people out there 
who feel the need to transform their phone into a weapon.


detail of the stun gun nodes 

the iPhone's designers could never have conceived half of the the weird and wonderful accessories 
that have been designed for use with the iPhone since its launch, but even in the name of self defense 
a stun gun seems a bit much, doesn't it?

Paper Passion, a scent from Geza Schoen for Wallpaper* magazine, makes its wearers smell like freshly printed books. I suppose it can be alternated with "In the Library," a perfume that smells like old books.

Paper Passion fragrance by Geza Schoen, Gerhard Steidl, and Wallpaper* magazine, with packaging by Karl Lagerfeld and Steidl.

“The smell of a freshly printed book is the best smell in the world.” Karl Lagerfeld. 

It comes packaged with inside a hollow carved out of a book with "texts" by "Karl Lagerfeld, Günter Grass, Geza Schoen and Tony Chambers."

Swirled Temple Large Frame Sunglasses by Prada:

:Text may be subject to copyright.This blog does not claim copyright to any such text. Copyright remains with the original copyright holder

Peggy - Black Reptile Leather Platform Sandal by Rachel Zoe:

Officials say the flames have been fanned by strong winds

Forest fires raging in Spain's north-eastern Catalonia region have left three people dead, officials say.

Two French nationals drowned in the sea close to the border with France while trying to escape the flames, Catalonia's interior minister said.

Strong winds gusting up to 90km/h (55mph) have rendered one fire "out of control", he said.

All residents of the county of Alt Emporda - about 135,000 people - have been ordered to stay indoors.

The area is a main link for holidaymakers travelling to and from southern France. Traffic on the cross-border AP-7 motorway was reported to have been severely disrupted on Sunday.

Cardiac arrest

The two French victims were among several people who were trapped by fire as they travelled along the N-260 main coastal road near the town of Portbou and tried to reach the sea by climbing down cliffs, according to Catalan Interior Minister Felip Puig.

The victims were a 60-year-old man and his 15-year-old daughter, Spanish media reported.

A 75-year-old man died after suffering a cardiac arrest in Llers, north-west of the area's main town, Figueres.

At least another 19 people have been wounded, including a French national who suffered burns on 80% of his body when he was caught in his car by the flames.

The fire near Portbou has been brought under control, according to media reports, while a much larger blaze further inland, around the border town of La Jonquera, was still spreading late on Sunday, Felip Puig said.

The fire, travelling at about 5-6km/h, came within 10km of Figueres, Mr Puig said.

A total of about 13,000 hectares (32,000 acres) of forest are estimated to have been devastated in the area, according to the authorities.

The Spanish shopping siesta may be about to become the latest victim of the sovereign debt crisis. To stimulate spending after a 23 percent drop in retail sales since 2007, the euro region’s fourth-largest economy this month approved measures that allow shops of more than 300 square meters (3,229 square feet) to open for 25 percent longer a week. The new rules may encourage the outlets to sell during the traditional afternoon snooze from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., and on an additional two Sundays or holidays a year for a total of 10. “When everything was fine, nobody complained, but now that things have gone awry, then it’s another story,” said Carmen Cardeno, director general for domestic commerce at the nation’s economy ministry, which created the rules. “We need to evolve and be more flexible.” Spain is following its European neighbors in trying to liberalize shopping hours that have traditionally been checked by governments in the region to protect religious observances, for rest and on behalf of smaller retailers that have fewer resources to staff shops around the clock. England has allowed retailers to open for longer on Sundays during the Olympics than the six hours usually allowed. In France, food shops can be open 13 hours a day and stores located in tourist areas have the right to open on Sundays. Spanish shops are allowed to open for less time than anywhere else in Europe, according to its government, which was asked by retail associations to allow large stores to open 16 Sundays or holidays a year. Some smaller merchants opposed the extension, arguing that the bigger stores would have the necessary manpower and they wouldn’t. The new measures allow stores 18 additional business hours a week and will permit merchants to decide when to cut prices in sales instead of only twice a year. Siesta Time The country’s regions will get to decide how to implement the rules, though they usually follow the lead of the central government. In Madrid, which is an exception, stores have been able to open for as long as they want since July 15. Outlets of less than 300 square meters also have no restrictions on opening hours, though the Spanish tradition of eating at home and having a siesta means most shopkeepers keep their businesses closed for about two hours in the middle of the day. The new measures may not be enough to offset shrinking demand in Spain’s 217 billion-euro ($264 billion) retail industry, which is worsening each year the crisis goes on in a nation where one in four people is out of work. The number of companies seeking bankruptcy protection rose 22 percent from a year earlier to 2,224 in the first quarter, according to the nation’s statistics institute, with commerce being the third- largest contributor behind construction and housing firms and industrial and energy companies. ‘Almost Insignificant’ Javier Millan-Astray, director general of retail association ANGED, said the approved loosening of restrictions on opening hours doesn’t go far enough. “The government’s reform is almost insignificant,” Millan-Astray told reporters in Madrid, when retail groups pushed for 16 Sunday openings. The associations’ “new proposal would help boost consumption and create more jobs because when we open on a holiday, people come and shop. It’s unbelievable that amid this crisis, we have to keep our stores closed.” Spain has been wrestling with the dilemma of preserving its culture and modernizing the industry for decades. The socialist government of Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero in 2004 rolled back liberalization of opening hours instituted by his predecessor, bringing them back to rules from the 1990s and leaving the country with the tightest regulations of any European country. Job Creation Even with the latest proposals, “retail regulation is hurting both business and customers in Spain,” said Fernando Fernandez, a professor at the IE Business School in Madrid. “Both big and small retailers would benefit from fewer restrictions. When big retailers such as Ikea or Zara open a store, all small shops in that area benefit from that.” Ending the restrictions completely would create 337,581 jobs across all industries and add 17.2 billion euros to economic growth this year, according to a study commissioned by the government, which examined the implications of several scenarios. The nearest of those to the current proposals, under which stores open on 16 Sundays or holidays, could have added 47,945 full-time retail jobs, the study found. About 1.8 million people worked in retail in the first quarter, 0.3 percent less than in the year-earlier period. Stores are also bracing for change as the government looks to the retail industry to help boost tax revenue. Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy will increase the most common rate of sales tax to 21 percent from 18 percent on Sept. 1, putting an additional brake on consumers’ ability to spend. previous

The World Wildlife Fund’s branch in Spain has ousted King Juan Carlos as its honorary president — a title he’d held since 1968 — after deciding his recent elephant hunting safari was incompatible with its goal of conserving endangered species. The announcement Saturday was the latest in a string of bad news for Spain’s royal family, which has been embarrassed by legal and other scandals. The fund said in a statement that “although such hunting is legal and regulated” it had “received many expressions of distress from its members and society in general.” It said members voted at a meeting Saturday in Madrid to “to get rid of the honorary President” by a substantial majority of 226 votes to 13. The Royal Palace declined immediate comment on the announcement. Many Spaniards were dumbfounded when news broke in April that the king had made a secret journey to hunt elephants in Botswana even though it was widely known he was president of the Spanish branch of the fund. Such an opulent indulgence also angered Spaniards at a time when national unemployment hovers around 25 percent, the economy is contracting and there are fears the country may need an international financial bailout. The Spanish public learned of the safari only after the king had to fly back in a private jet to receive emergency medical attention for a broken hip suffered during the trip. In an unprecedented act of royal contrition, a sheepish Juan Carlos apologized, saying as he left the hospital: “I am very sorry. I made a mistake. It won’t happen again.” It was a poignant moment because the royal family had been under intense media scrutiny for all the wrong reasons. The king’s son-in-law, Inaki Urdangarin, is a suspect in a corruption case, accused of having used his position to embezzle several million euros in public contracts through a supposedly not-for-profit foundation he’d set up. Over Easter, the king’s 13-year-old grandson, Felipe Juan Froilan, shot himself in the foot with a shotgun, even though Spanish law dictates you must be 14 to handle a gun. The king on Tuesday decided to take a pay cut in solidarity with civil servants who are to lose their traditional Christmas bonuses as part of the government’s most recent austerity drive. The salaries of Juan Carlos and Crown Prince Felipe will be reduced about 7 percent — to about 272,000 euros ($334,000) and 131,000 euros ($160,000) respectively — in line with government policy, the Royal Palace said. The king and prince acted voluntarily in cutting their salaries, the palace said.

This summer, as much of North Africa experienced a heat wave that affected almost the entire region, Marbella’s unique climate kept much of the Costa del Sol virtually unaffected. As a rush of hot air moved northwards, parts of Spain were left under heat alerts, reporting temperatures as high as 39 degrees, with most provinces under yellow alert according to the Meteorological Agency.

While the proximity of coastal towns like Marbella and Estepona suggest that they would be most affected by a North African heat wave, the reality told another story all together. Although they are situated just 14 kilometers from the African coastline, the towns registered tempretures around 21 to 27 degrees along the sea front. So, just why does this happen?

The answer to this mystery is the reason why so many traveleres arrive to spend their precious holidays each year, free of the worry that they will be weighed down by the extreme Mediterranean heat. Instead of crippling tempretures, visitors instead arrive to find nearly 320 days of sunshine and average tempretures hovering around 19 ° C / 66 º F for most of the year. Coupled with the region’s beaches and glamor, the microclimate make the coast a one of a kind escape from the gray days of the UK.

The Magic of the Mountains

The key to this unique microclimate comes with the protection offered by the mountains. The coastal centr of Marbella is flanked to the north by the mountains of the Cordillera Penibética, which protects it from rain in winter and extreme heat in summer, creating this unique microclimate. This 'protection' natural coastal location adds one to three degrees warmer in winter and vice versa in summer.
The gentle sea breeze and the protection of the mountain have made Marbella an ideal city to both live and for tourists in search of excellent weather and clear skies, clear days to enjoy the beach, long walks at sunset and enjoying the rich local cuisine on the beach in the popular bars or at night without bothering with even a coat.

Summer in Marbella, A Luxurious Weather Experience

While summer temperatures in Marbella hover around 26 degrees with a sea breeze and the warm waters along its 27 kilometers of coastline, autumn and winter tempretures do not vary all that much. This allows chances to escape to the Costa del Sol throughout the year, offering the chance to stroll along the seaside with light summer clothes long into the Spanish winter.

From before Easter to just before the winter holidays arrive, the Costa del Sol’s microclimate provides an almost endless number of opportunities to leave the extremes of summer and winter behind.

Once a sanctuary for the Hollywood glitterati; former guests include Ava Gardner, Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant, the recently modernised Marbella Club still hints at the glitz and glamour of days gone by. As I walk through the doors I almost feel like I'm stepping in to a fabulous fifties film set. Bellboys efficiently buzzing to guests' whims, florists preening fresh fragrant lilies and bartenders shaking up Martinis. It's opulence at its best, the atmosphere is enthralling.

As I'm shown to my room I notice a change, a laid back Mediterranean air of serenity. Lazy lunchers, sun seekers and their offspring lounged around the pool. Borgainvillea engulfed suites and villas scattered amongst calming water features, rosemary and lavender bushes. Lush tropical gardens, olive groves and palm trees, leading down to the sweeping coastline of the Costa del Sol. Though here, a million miles away from the 'Marbs' portrayed in the likes of TOWIE, it's known as The Golden Mile.

The Room: The Marbella Suite. An elegant Andalucia inspired 4 poster bedroom with Juliet balcony, a separate living room with big comfy sofas, and a large balcony overlooking the gardens, with distant sea views. Arran Aromatics products, mini bars and free wi-fi in all rooms.

The Spa: The Marbella Club Thalasso Spa sits directly on the beachfront, a short walk or buggy ride, through the gardens away from the main hotel. A traditional terracotta stone building with state-of-the-art facilities including, a large seawater hydrotherapy multi-jet pool, an Osmanic Hammam, sauna, steam, vitality showers, 8 treatment rooms, outdoor treatment area, and 2 relaxation rooms, one with sea views.

The Treatment: MC Anti-Ageing Facial. The treatment begins with a Babor double enzyme and vitamin C cleanse, followed by a tone, gentle exfoliation then an aromatic steam. A collagen peel mask is then applied and left to dry. Another cleanse then a bonus tidy of the brows. Babor Sea Creation moisturiser and eye cream are then used for a lifting facial massage. Includes a complimentary sample of the moisturiser and eye cream used in the treatment. €210.
It's expensive, but it worked. My skin looked radiant, lifted and eye bag free.

Other treatments include, Algae Detox Wrap, a vigorous skin scrub and algae mud treatment to detoxify and renew the skin. Hot Stone Massage, using warm aromatherapy oils and hot stones to work on key pressure points.

Sports and Amenities: An 18 hole golf course, equestrian centre, beach club with water sports (April-October), gymnasium, 10 floodlit tennis courts, two outdoor swimming pools. The Lions Club, sports and activities for children aged 4-14.

To Eat: The Grill for romantic candlelit Mediterranean cuisine. Seaside lunching at the MC Beach Club, a swanky buffet with an extensive seafood bar. MC Café for Euro-Asian fusion and Bar al-Fresco for poolside snacks and salads.

The Deal: Quest For Spa, 3 nights (min) in an executive room, €100 spa voucher per room, €175 pppn.

www.marbellaclub.com

Don't Miss: A stroll in to Puerto Banus for yacht and people watching. A trip to The Olive Oil Museum at The Cultural Center Cortijo Miraflores.

 A 73-year-old man from Pamplona was gored in his right leg at the start of the run but the injury was not serious, the regional government of Navarra said in a statement. Five others suffered bruises or sprains in falls and were also taken to hospital, including a 26-year-old from Australia who bruised his left knee and a 21-year-old from Japan who hurt his back. Runners, wearing traditional white clothing and red kerchiefs around their necks, tripped over each other or fell in the mad dash through the narrow, winding streets of the northern Spanish city. Some dared to run just at arm's length from the six huge fighting bulls and six steers, glancing nervously behind at the beasts' dangerous curved horns. Others chased behind the pack, occasionally touching the bulls' sides, or cowered on the sidelines as the animals raced by. The bulls, weighing between 520 and 590 kilos (1,150 and 1,300 pounds), stampeded through an 850-metre (2,800-foot) course from a holding pen to the city's bull ring in just two minutes, 53 seconds in a run watched by millions on television. During the final stretch a bull knocked a runner to the ground, and one of its horns speared the collar of the man's shirt. The animal then dragged him face up for about 30 metres into the entrance of the bull ring. Another bull's horn pierced the white trouser leg of a man who had fallen and tore off part of the material. The bull ran the rest of the course with the scrap of white cloth dangling from its horn. "It was amazing, totally intense, scary. The build up was just crazy," said Collin Hamer, a 28-year-old from Texas, after he completed the run. Runners jumped up and down and did other warm up exercises as they waited behind a line of police for a firecracker to go off indicating that the bulls have been released from their pen. The San Fermin festival features round-the-clock drinking, with bars allowed to open until 6:00 am, and loudspeakers repeatedly played an announcement in Spanish, English, French and Japanese warning people not to run drunk. "It is something you have to experience and feel. It's a new experience, something that is impossible to forget," said Aaron Bejar, a 31-year-old banker from Zaragoza who came to Pamplona with two friends to take part in a run. Last year 20,500 people took part in the eight bull runs of the festival, which wraps up on July 14. Nearly half of all participants came from abroad, with the United States, Australia and Britain accounting for the greatest number of foreigners. Every year between 200 and 300 participants in bull runs are injured, around three percent seriously. Most are hurt after falling, but some are trampled or gored by the bulls despite increased safety measures. The last death occurred three years ago when a bull gored a 27-year-old Spaniard to death, piercing his neck, heart and lungs with its horns in front of hordes of tourists. The bulls used in Saturday's run were from the Dolores Aguirre ranch in Seville, which has taken part in San Fermin each year since 2002. Bulls from the ranch have caused a total of 19 injuries at San Fermin, including the six people hurt in Saturday's run.

The defence is to be given time to study the documents which come from the Malaya caseThe second section of the Provincial Court in Málaga, which is currently hearing the case against Isabel Pantoja, Mayte Zaldívar and Julián Muñoz on money laundering charges, has given until September 14 for the defence to analyse the new documentation in the case which they have not seen before. The court said that the case would have to be declared null if the defence had no access to the material. The court has also delayed the resolution of the rest of the previous questions planned by the defence and will find another time so they can add to the questions after analysing the new documentation which is understood to have come from the Malaya case, the largest corruption case to be based in a Town Hall in Spain.

Marbella (Spain): Spanish actor Antonio Banderas will host for the third straight year the Starlite Gala, an international platform benefiting a series of charitable foundations.

The event to be held Aug 4 in the southern Spanish resort city of Marbella is based on appearances by well-known spokespersons that help garner media coverage for different causes, the organization said in a communiqué.

This year`s Starlite Gala will feature performances by stars like Jon Secada, while several auctions will be held during the event offering such prizes as an invitation for two to next year`s Oscars.

Taking the stage with Antonio Banderas this time will be friends and personalities from the worlds of culture and showbiz.

The gala`s sole purpose is to collect funds for the foundation with which the actor is involved - Lagrimas y Favores (Tears and Favors), Ninos en Alegria (Children in Happiness), Cudeca and Best Buddies International.

This year`s humanitarian prize will be awarded to Anthony Kennedy for his work as founder of Best Buddies International, dedicated to integrating the mentally challenged into society. The foundation is present in 50 countries.

 We’re doing six sports today: skiing, golf, shooting go-kart racing, water skiing, and paddle tennis. My opponents are zillionaire counts, aristocrats and captains of industry who learned to shoot when their nannies were rocking their bassinettes.

The Games are hosted by the Marbella Club, a luxury resort boasting lovely, low-slung Andalusian-style bungalows and five-bedroom villas for ¤3,900 a night. Imagine a private pool, lush gardens and tiled patios to sip minty Sau Sau cocktails on and contemplate your fortune at being the 1%.

The Games started in the ’70s. The resort’s owner, German prince Alfonso de Hohenlohe, realized Marbella was one of the precious few destinations where you can alpine ski and water ski in one day.

So he invented the Games, which he called “Ski golf swim bang.” His drinking buddies — including Sean Connery — loved the idea. They tried doing all six sports. But gave up by dinner after too much Champagne at lunch.

It costs 450 euro to compete but it’s not for the great unwashed. It’s an invite-only mini-Olympics for counts and princesses. Sort of like a charming family event for friends who met back in private academies … plus me, the only Canadian-scribe-plebian.

Event 1: GO-KARTING

Circuito Campillos racetrack is 92.6 km north of Marbella. To get there, you roar past picturesque Andalusian hills and terrified pedestrians.

We race in gendered heats, wearing numbered yellow pinneys. Five laps, no kicking or gouging. I’m worried Gianfranco and his buddies will bump me off track. But turns out they’re gentlemen who are quick to give advice. A former F1 driver tells me: “Use the whole track, swing wide before the turn, tap your brakes before each turn, and never take your foot off the gas.”

Our karts line up. The lights flash green. Game on! I channel my inner Gianfranco and roar to an early lead. But my competitiveness kills. I drive too fast spin out, and finish ninth out of 16. Balls!

The winning male: luxury car dealer Mario Guarnieri.

TRAVEL TIP: I’m giraffe-y tall, which isn’t ideal. Go-karting favours short, compact drivers … so lose some weight and height.

Event 2: GOLF

We play six holes at the lovely Marbella Club Golf Resort. It has a sweeping hilltop view of the Rock of Gibraltar on the northern tip of Africa. A lovely, trap-filled demon.

I’m horrible at golf. A Danish exec, Pieter, helps me turn my swing from wretched to acceptably miserable. But Gianfranco, who’s never played in his life, is a natural. Is there nothing these men can’t do?

The winner, Rob, is a lanky entrepreneur who, judging by his bio, is superior to me in every way.

TRAVEL TIP: On one hole, you have to launch your ball over a valley big enough for the entire Occupy Wall Street protest. God won’t help you, but try a 7-iron.

Event 3: POLO

I came to Spain expecting to kick ass at slalom skiing. But it’s too warm (Costa del Sol gets 320 days sun a year). So the prince’s nephew, Pablo, replaces it with polo. I think it’s the sport where you ride a horse and swing swords at peasants’ heads. Sounds fun!
Pablo’s polo tip: “Stay on the horse.”

“No way am I doing this!” Pieter says. “I’ll break my spine. Remember: only the Top 8 get points.”

I count the riding boots. Ten pairs, including Gianfranco’s boots made of rich Corinthian leather. He rides his stallion like it’s growing from his body. Magnificent.

TRAVEL TIP: William Shatner told me horses are incredibly sensitive. If you don’t mount correctly, the horse won’t respect you. It’ll go rogue and stomp you. Learn to ride, then show the horse you’re boss. Note: this doesn’t mean punching your horse in the nose.

Event 4: SHOOTING

We race back to drink Champagne on the Marbella Club beach. Someone sticks a laser rifle in my non-drinking hand. Then we fire at flying saucers that go “ping-ping-ping” if you hit them. Young boys try to catch the saucers. I only hit four saucers but both boys.

TRAVEL TIP: Monarchs are skilled marksmen. That’s because they’re preparing for the revolution when the peasants storm their castles. To beat princes at their own game, practise playing shoot-’em-up video games with a glass of Veuve Clicquot in one hand.

Event 5: WATER SKIING

It’s cold and raining. The sea is angrier than a vengeful whale. Nobody wants to water ski. I’d rather jam my hand down a garburator than enter a cold sea without a wetsuit. Half the guys bail out of water skiing, but all eight women brave the choppy surf.

Winner: Gregor von Opel, heir to the German auto fortune.

TRAVEL TIP: On the Costa del Sol, it’s customary to give a stock tip to your Jet Ski driver.

Event 6: PADDLE TENNIS

Paddle tennis (a.k.a. “Padel”) is a wild mash-up of tennis and racquetball in a walled-in outdoor court. Spaniards chuckle when I ask how to hold the paddle. Then I DEMOLISH the competition. I’m like the idiot savant of paddle tennis!

My partner, Mario, and I win three straight games against increasingly excellent opponents, including one fella in a wheelchair. Woohoo!

In the semi-finals, I dive to make a thrilling, game-saving volley. My opponents were stunned but supportive. I’d won at a sport I’d never played before. Everyone wants a rematch.

TRAVEL TIP: Mayans invented Padel so it’s popular in Spanish-speaking countries. To win dirty, trash-talk your opponents in Spanish. Just as they return serve, yell “Callate el osico gordota!” which means “Shut your snout, fatty!”

The Games’ winners were crowned at an elegant, poolside awards ceremony. The victors: Gregor von Opel for two years running, and prince Alfonso’s niece, Flavia de Hohenlohe-Langenburg.

I spoke with Pablo, who relaunched the Games after his uncle passed away.

“Pablo,” I said, “next year, I want to win it all. Do I need to drop all my work, break up with my girlfriend, say goodbye to my family, sell my possessions and devote myself to training all year?”

“I’m afraid you are 30 years too late for that,” he said with a smile. “Winning the Spring Games is not difficult if you are a very good skier, excellent driver, if your golf handicap is 5 or less, you can slalom at waterski, and [rode] horseback as a kid.”

In other words, to quote my personal favourite noble, Lady Gaga, the Spring Games champions are simply born this way.

Rumour has it that BRITISH singer Sting will be performing at the Puente Romano Tennis Club in Marbella on June 30 at 10pm.